A Kinder, Gentler Big Mouth Barry
Maybe I’ve been too hard on Dustin Penner. After all, he has a great smile, can cook a mean beef stroganoff and uses his big Baby Huey body to shield his opponents from the puck. I should be much nicer to him and his lazy twin brother.
Maybe I’ve been too hard on the Flyers. After all, its not the fans fault they signed a defenseman more banged up than Lindsay Lohan at a frat party and a goalie weirder than Amanda Bynes on twitter. The fans are tried, true and extra special. You know, like Corky.
I’ve been overly harsh on Vancouver fans, too. They really are NOT dumb. Just because they spell loser looser and can’t figure out there, their and they’re I shouldn’t be so mean to them. They just need a little of mommy’s attention. Because look what happened to an attention whore like me!
I should give Edmonton fans a break, too. After all, they got Ryan Smyth back from us! We gave them Lubo and Patrick O’Sullivan and Colten Teubert, too! All you’ve done is continuously help us with the likes of Dustin Penner and Jarret Stoll and Matt Greene and Colin Fraser and I’ve been so mean to you. Can I come shovel your snow this winter? Or should I treat you all to a party at Jeremy Piven’s hacienda?
Ducks fans, I’ve been heartless and unkind and I’ve acted like a 3 year old whose favorite balloon just popped. You’re all nice Republicans. You’ve been right about everything. The economy, the war, fighting against gun control.
Montreal fans, I’ll stop berating you about all the cups you’ve won, even though there were only 6 teams in the league, there wasn’t any draft and you had your pick of the litter of French Canadian players for decades until the league stepped in and made it fair for everyone by instituting an entry draft in 1979 and then you magically stopped winning Stanley Cups… wait… I rambled without using a period. What was I saying? Oh, yes. I won’t bother you anymore about how you haven’t won a Stanley Cup since the dissolution of Czechoslovakia, Janet Reno was attorney General and Frank Zappa was still alive.
Columbus, I’m sorry for not picking on you more, I just didn’t know you still existed.
Shane Doan, I’m sorry you made the decision to stay in Phoenix and miss the playoffs again instead of signing in Pittsburgh and challenging for the President’s trophy.
I’ll even be nice to Dean Lombardi for getting absolutely nothing for Brian Boyle, Matt Moulson, Teddy Purcell, Thomas Hickey, Rich Clune, Andrei Loktionov, and a few others I’ve forgotten about. You brought us a Stanley Cup, champ!