Eastern Conference Predictions
Hey, the Government shut me down. I wasn’t allowed to post.
So can I tell my bank that I can’t pay them because the Government hasn’t sent me my checks? You think that’ll work? What the fuck has become of this country?
Okay, onto hockey. Better late than never.
1) WASHINGTON – Adam Oates looks like he wears eyeliner but he coaches a guy named Ovechkin.
2) BOSTON – Let’s see: They acquire Eriksson who won’t drink a keg of Sam Adams for lunch AND they added Iginla. That’s about as solid as my wife’s stare when I come home at midnight with lipstick on my collar.
3) PITTSBURGH – Fleury can’t stop a ducks feathers after it was hit by a truck. But former King Dan Bylsma will simply spinkle them with his magic fairy dust and despite the future injury to Sid the Bitch, they’ll still win.
4) DETROIT – it was tough being in the west. Playing Buffalo and Florida and New Jersey, the healthy Red Wings, with Weiss and Alfredsson are going to yawn their way into the playoffs.
5) OTTAWA – when healthy, they’re as dangerous as a crack pipe in Lamar Odom’s hands.
6) PHILADELPHIA – here’s what’s going to happen. They’ll start slow, Laviolette will FINALLY be put down like a central park carriage horse and Terry Murray, yes, THAT Terry Murray will take over, spray paint dots on the ice and have the Flyers actually playing defensive hockey. They’ll be the best 2nd half team in the NHL.
7) TORONTO – Everyone bags on the Maple Leafs like a drunk Asian dude, them but I say Bernier > Scrivens and his will to be #1 will propel them to a playoff spot. Adding Clarkson didn’t hurt either and when he does return, that locker room will be tighter than a wedding night virgin.
8) MONTREAL – experts are saying they won’t make the playoffs. I said they wouldn’t last year and they did, so this year I’ll say they make it and hope they don’t because I hate them.
9) TAMPA BAY – There’s still a team there? They have to rely on Teddy Purcell?
10) RANGERS – I think they’re about as big a fraud as Bernie Madoff, but they still have talent and a pretty good coach.
11) ISLANDERS – With the addition of the Red Wings, this leaves no room for the Isles whose goaltending is as suspect as Obamacare.
12) COLUMBUS – They were tied with Minnesota for the last playoff spot but lost on tie-breakers. The East won’t be easy and Jack Johnson will be -70.
13) CAROLINA – They’re as messy as the pudding in my kids diaper.
14) NEW JERSEY – Without Clarkson and Kovalchuk, I’m rooting for them to have the worst record in the league so they CAN’T draft #1.
15) FLORIDA – I can’t wait to see Thomas get lit up like a bon fire.
16) BUFFALO – with the first pick in the draft…
Former King/Monarch Anthony Stewart signed a one-year deal with Avtomobilist of the KHL.
Who will have a better winning percentage this season? Jonathan Bernier or Ben Scrivens?
IMO Patrick Roy was and still is an asshole, but it sure was nice to see his team whip the shit out of the Ducks.
And Dustin Penner was a healthy scratch. HAHAHAHAHA
Who is Lance Pugmire and why is he writing Helene’s column for the Times? Forced retirement? Sick of looking at her ugly mug? One can only hope.