Today was Easter, where Jesus was resurrected from the dead.
Unfortunately for the Kings, they were still on life support.
Today my kids went searching for eggs. Tonight, the Kings laid another one.
Should I keep going? I got Passover jokes for days!
(What do you call a Kings season ticket holder? A matzo-chist.)
So what’s the excuse THIS time, Kings fans?
“It’s just TWO games?”, “We were down 2-0 to the Blues!?” “Southwest Ran Out of Salted Nuts!”
The Kings regular season ended last Saturday. They didn’t play until Thursday and promptly got plastered like Joan Rivers’ face. They flew home, had two more days of practice and were promptly beaten like Rodney King.
A great first 10 minutes from Jonathan Quick and two beautiful goals from Kopitar and Gaborik…. what….? It was Muzzin and Lewis? You were calling me names when it was 2-0, too. Just admit it. I forgive you. It’s Easter.
Then the Sharks scored a touchdown. All against Quick who just saw his hall of fame chances disappear like… I’m not even gonna say it tonight. 12 goals in 2 games?
Are we all sure Quick won’t be found tied and bound and we discover Dan Cloutier was in net tonight? “But none of the goals were his fault!”. When you’re giving up goals to players who are likely to commit suicide in the future, there’s a problem.
You people STILL don’t believe me when I talk about the Matt Greene jinx! As soon as I heard he was in the lineup and banks weren’t open today, I borrowed cash from Lefty the Nut Squeezer at 17% interest and bet it all on San Jose. Greene was on the ice for FOUR GOALS AGAINST and even managed one against while on the PK.
Guys, have you ever been to Vegas? You know what a “cooler” is, right? Matt Greene is a “Cooler” a “Mock”, an “Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer” .
As the Mayor tweeted… NOW do you know why Lombardi was so desperate to acquire some defense?!?! Regehr was exposed like Britney Spears’ muff that Sutter had to scratch a forward just to protect him in case he was imitating a Greek statue again.
The last time I watched a debacle like this in the playoffs was at Staples when Quick was being lit up by Vancouver. He was pulled and replaced by Erik Ersberg, who gave up 2 goals on 2 shots, and Quick had to come back in.
Looking on the bright side:
a) we won’t have to pay for game 6 tickets
b) we never have to see Matt Greene in a Kings uniform ever again
c) the Kings have a cup, the Ducks have a cup, the Sharks have no cup
d) the money that you’re saving on round 2 and 3 tickets can now towards getting that hair replacement for your combover or the vaginal tightening for the old lady (let’s face it, after two kids, you need a whistle and a flashlight to get out of that mud).
Justin Williams has been about as brutal as Johnny Depp’s new movie.
I think I saw Dean Lombardi at Staples buying a shredder for that that 3 year, 21 million dollar contract he had waiting for Gaborik.
7 million dollars for Mike Richards? But he’s “built for the playoffs!” He’s a “warrior.” He’s a broken down Range Rover and anyone who has ever owned a Ranger Rover and its broken down will do anything (including eating a plate of live beetles) to get rid out it.
Still think Doughty doesn’t need surgery when the season is over?
And I want credit when the Kings are swept. However, no punching me in the face no matter how drunk we’ll all be Thursday.
Didn’t you just love the Kings winning the Jennings trophy? Means a lot, doesn’t it?
So let me get this straight…
Duncan Keith, a repeat offender, takes a purposeful swing at Jeff Carter, knocking out his teeth and gets ONE game.
Brent Seabrook, a 1st time offender, gets THREE games?
Nice to know the Kings aren’t the only team to get fucked: How ridiculous was that call against the Tampa Bay Lightning? Oh, of COURSE. It’s in Montreal. What was I thinking? By a French-Canadian ref? Noooooooo!
What I like is that Steve Yzerman will complain and the league will finally get a “challenge flag!”