The Emotional Rollercoaster of Game 4
You’re just getting comfortable. You wave the towel you’ll eventually use to clean up your man juice, you flash your little light thingy, take a sip of beer…
And the Kings are down 1-0.
Now you want to punch someone in the face.
a) The guy who stands up every time there’s a “close” play
b) the stupid Blues fans who are disrespectful because, well, they come from a place where having sex with your sister is OK
Then, with just 5 seconds remaining on the penalty kill, the Blues score again
Now you just want to explode
a) Instead you put the light thing in your mouth and chew
b) You go get a beer, thinking it’s YOU that’s the jinx and they’ll score when you leave
c) You hate yourself when you come back with the beer and the Kings haven’t scored
Then Carter scores and…
a) you high five strangers who didn’t wash their hands after peeing
b) you hug your date close and quickly realize you’re never going to see her again because you have a chubby
c) you buy an overpriced candy bar and tip the poor slob 50 cents
Then Penner scores on a tic-tac-toe play and…
a) you think about coming home and erasing all the mean things you said about Penner all season on Twitter
b) you really want to be one of the first idiots who call in to Nick and Darryl after the game to talk stupidly
c) you actually tell yourself you’re going to eat pancakes for breakfast tomorrow…
Then TJ Oshie scores in the 2nd period
a) You want to blame Quick, but instead the “inner you” cries softly
b) You use this moment to let out the fart you’ve been holding in since the beginning of the period
c) You punch your girlfriend in the face
In the 3rd period, Anze Kopitar ties the game
a) You redial your therapist and tell her you weren’t really going to stick a vacuum hose in your mouth and turn the switch on.
b) You tell everyone you “called it” when secretly, you didn’t
c) You go to the bathroom and quickly rub one out in the stalls
Then Justin Williams pots the game winner
a) You buy all your friends beer and don’t even make them pay for it
b) You bring your girlfriend a bag of ice for the black eye you gave her when TJ Oshie scored
c) You quickly figure out how the hell to get out of those plans you had with your wife Friday because after going down 2 games to none, you thought for sure the Kings wouldn’t be playing Friday.
Why are men so stupid? Why are women so stupid they say “yes” when their stupid man asks them to marry them at a hockey game?
ESPNZone is closing and that makes me sad. Not really. 13.50 for Buffalo wings???
Why did Hitchcock bench Crackhead in favor of the Russian kid who didn’t make any difference?
How much did you love Robyn Regehr plastering Ryan Reeves into the glass?
25 bucks for an autographed puck? I could buy a puck, pay for a lunch and some awful place like Yoshinoya, drive to the Toyota Center, wait for my favorite player, and have them sign the puck and STILL have money left over. Oh, right, it’s “for a good cause”
Oh, I paid 275 for the Schenn jersey in case anyone is wondering. Oh, shit! That reminds me, I have to email the cute girl who sold it to me to get my certificate of authenticity that they’ll never mail to me.