The King Vs The Kings
Chris Kreider (4G, 6A), Derek Stepan (5G, 8A, 41.5% f/o), Rick Nash (3G, 7A)
Marian Gaborik (12G, 7A), Anze Kopitar (5G, 19A, 54.4%), Dustin Brown (4G, 8A)
Rick Nash sucks worse than a toothless whore. He’s good for an empty net goal and that’s about it. Dustin Brown should be able to pound him like a veal cutlet. Kopitar Vs Derek Stepan is about as mismatched as Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. Kreider has jetpacks attached to his ass, but so does Gaborik, even though his jet packs are last years’ model.
Kopitar had his hands full with Toews, he should have no problem flicking off his opponents like a chinch bug and finding openings for Gabby and Brown and WHEN Brown fails, Williams.
IMO, this is a mismatch (especially defensively) of epic proportions. Kopitar should seal the Conn Smythe here. He’s just way too much to handle and there’s no way Nash wins board battles against Brown considering seeing Nash go into a corner is about as rare as a blue lobster (they’re fucking cool, by the way… and they don’t taste blue either!)
Carl Hagelin (6G, 4A), Brad Richards (5G, 6A, 46.6% f/o), Martin St. Louis (6G, 7A)
LW Tanner Pearson (4G, 8A), C Jeff Carter (9G, 13A 47.3%), RW Tyler Toffoli (7G, 6A)
This will be the best matchup for the Rangers as they have the veteran advantage. Carter will have his hands full with Richards shadowing him and St Louis should run roughshod over Toffoli (aren’t they about the same size?). Hagelin and Pearson both have blasters and whichever team gives up the most breakaways to these two will lose the series.
Mats Zuccarello (4G, 7A), Derick Brassard (5G, 4A, 46.5% f/o), Benoit Pouliot (3G, 5A)
Dwight King (2G, 6A), Jarret Stoll (2G, 2A, 57% f/o), Justin Williams (7G, 11A)
At least Stoll will win all the face-offs. Dwight King has basically been absent since he hurt his knee near the end of the season but has been playing responsible defense. He’ll have his hands full with Mats who should make him dumber than he already looks.
I anticipate there will be several times during this series where Williams will pull Pouliot’s jock over his face then bitch slap him. He just has may too much mojo for Benoit Balls to handle.
Dominic Moore (3G, 4A), Brian Boyle (2G, 4A, 51.3 f/o), Derek Dorsett (OG, 1A)
Kyle Clifford (0G, 3A), Mike Richards (2G, 6A, 52% f/o), Trevor Lewis (4G, 1A)
Finally! We’ll get to see a fight! I believe three’s only been ONE? (Richards vs the Ducks?)
If Richards doens’t absolutely smoke Boyle like a cuban cigar, then there’s no way he returns next year. This line for the Kings should have them in the minus -8 for the first two games, then Carcillo will come in and give Clifford his annual post season concussion which means we may get to see Linden Vey after all.
Dan Carcillo, J.T. Miller, Jesper Fast
Jordan Nolan, Linden Vey, Colin Fraser
Who gives a shit about any of them?
1ST DEFENSIVE PAIRING
Ryan McDonagh (3G, 10A), Dan Girardi (1G, 6A)
Jake Muzzin (5g, 6a), Drew Doughty (4g, 12a)
The numbers speak to a Doughty/Muzzin blowout. Are you kidding? Ryan McDonagh? This guy was a Montreal reject. How they gonna stop 9g and 18 assists? How are they going to stop the Kings suddenly delicious looking non-Jamie-Kompon power play?
Marc Staal (1G, 4A), Anton Stralman (0G, 5A)
Willie Mitchell (0G, 2A), Slava Voynov (2G, 5A)
Slava has been pretty fucking brutal these past 2 weeks and if he follows Martin St Louis into the corner while Brad Richards is all alone in front of the net, I’m going to smash my TV with a sledge hammer. I’m so happy Willie Mitchell is back. Let me repeat myself, I’m so happy Willie Mitchell is back.
Stall is one concussion away from the Kings exposing that Cameron Diaz guy like a bad batch of black and white film. Stralman? Wasn’t he one of those people being hunted for being a war criminal?
John Moore (0G, 1A), RD Kevin Klein (1G, 3A)
Alec Martinez (4G, 5A), Matt Greene (0G, 3A)
“The Jinx” has been pretty solid since coming back into the lineup. He’s giving it his all despite…. well… see below. Martinez can do very little wrong going forward. He put us here.
Kevin Klein hasn’t had a hit movie in a decade and Barry Trotz is no longer his coach. I think the Kings expose him like CBS did with those kids who sell candy bars for “charity.”
Henrik Lundqvist (2.03 gaa, .928 save percentage)
Jonathan Quick (2.86 gaa, .906 save percentage)
Lundqvist great – Quick fucking awful.
Sutter upset Allain’s Canucks in the 1st round 2 seasons ago and San Jose SWEPT Allain’s Canucks last season.
The Kings have been shorthanded EIGHTY TIMES and have allowed 15 goals (81.2 on the PK)
The Rangers have been shorthanded 64 times and have allowed only NINE goals (85.9, 2nd best)
The Kings were on the PP 67 times and scored 17 goals (25.4%)
The Rangers were on the PP a whopping 81 times and scored 11 times (only 13.6%)
The Kings have the better overall VETERAN team
The Rangers have the faster team
The Kings are better on Special Teams
The Rangers have the hot goaltender
The Kings SHOULD win the Stanley Cup in 5.
You know what was great? Seeing Jamie Kompon’s face melt like that guy at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” when Martinez scored the winning goal.
I loved Charles Barkley walking out of the United Center alone, and probably 100 grand lighter from some stupid bet he made with Matthew Perry
The Blackhawks post game interviews were oh so delicious.
Cuba Gooding Jr is rooting for the Rangers? BOO HIS FUCKING ASS!!!
I have news on “The Jinx” but can’t say anything until the series is over.
Which team will Gretzky be rooting for?
The Kings beat the #1 team, the #2 team (Pacific) and the #3 team (Central).