Why The Kings Won’t Win The Stanley Cup This Year
Suddenly, it doesn’t look like the Kings are so tough to play against.
Before we get all excited like a girl about to get some candy about ending a three game losing streak, here’s some perspective:
- This is the first Kings win at home in 4 trees. You’re SUPPOSED to win at home, especially if you’re a playoff bound team and you’re already charging fans for playoff tickets.
- Halak had given up 2 goals or more in his first 6 starts with Washington. So on the road, cross country, he suddenly holds the Kings to ONE? Like he magically got “fired up” for facing the Kings?
- Washington has lost 38 times this season folks, either in regulation, overtime, or the shootout. They are not impressive. Ovechkin is -31. He has 45 goals. Do you know how bad you have to be to have 45 goals and be -31. That’s Jason Allison bad.
- The Kings faced Ovechkin and…. who else? This is the Kings team that’s going to stop San Jose? The Blues? Colorado? Anaheim? They barely stopped a team from the AHL tonight.
- The Kings are a relatively healthy team unlike Pittsburgh or Detroit and they’re barely in 6th place.
- For the 2nd straight game, the Kings blew a lead going into the 3rd period. The last time THAT happened, Britney Spears wasn’t crazy.
Sure there were positives from the game:
- Quick bounced back like he always does after giving up 4 goals and then promptly snarled during his post game interviews
- Gaborik’s hustle and pass to Kopitar on the Kings only goal was beautiful, as well as his shootout goal and he’s quickly discovered that there’s much better pussy in Manhattan Beach than there is in all of Columbus.
- the penalty kill in OT made me moist
- Tanner Pearson is a stud and I want to skull fuck him.
- only taking 3 penalties all game and not seeing Muzzin or Stoll in the box ONCE!
- they stayed 5 points ahead of Phoenix. Why the Kings are JUST 5 points ahead of Phoenix is about as mysterious as a missing Malaysian Plane (got one in!!!)
- Sutter finally got his 500th win. And then cared about it as much as you care about picking up your dog’s shit from your neighbors lawn.
- Quick tied Rogie Vachon for wins. If Rogie had THIS defense, he’d be in the hall of fame.
- Dustin Penner came back to Southern California and nobody cared. (Except maybe the Mayor)
But thinking about it for much of the day, here are my conclusions:
Before the 8 game winning streak, the Kings had lost 9 out of 10 games. Of the 9 losses, 8 were against playoff teams. The other was against Grand Rapids.
During that 8 game winning streak. 5 of those wins came at the expense of (mostly Canadian) teams that will be fighting for a draft lottery position
But there are several other reasons why the Kings won’t go far in the playoffs. I know, I know, “make it painless” Shut up.
“The Knee Brace”
Dustin Brown began the season wearing an uncomfortable Forrest Gump style knee brace. It looks like whatever injury he sustained during the playoffs last season didn’t fully heal in time for this season. He was on the 4th line tonight and did nothing to warrant taking Jordan Nolan’s spot, save for driving to the net and falling down like he usually does.
He’s gone from an average of 17-18 minutes a game at the beginning of the season to an average of 14 minutes over the past 22 games including a season low 10 minutes against Toronto before politely being asked to declare himself unfit to play to save him from the embarrassment of being the first ever Captain of the Kings to be benched.
Brown needs to sit in the press box until the playoffs begin. Then he can hit other players like he did that ugly Sedin and we’ll forgive him immediately for sucking the entire season.
“Mike Richards’ Concussions”
On December 1st, 2011 Sean Bergenheim hit Mike Richards in the head. Richards went after Bergenheim and was subsequently punched by Begenheim. Is there such thing as a “double concussion?”
In 24 games that season prior to the incident, Richards had 11 goals and 9 assists. After he came back, in 49 games he had just 9 goals and 15 assists and kept referring to himself as “Batman”
In the Stanley Cup series, Richard had 4 goals and 11 assists.
Last season, Richards was decent, with 12 goals and 20 assists in 48 games and 3 goals and 9 assists in the playoffs… until….
On June 1st of last season, Richards was again concussed by Dave Bolland in the 1st game of the series. Concussed is probably an understatement: More like, launched towards pluto? Hit so hard his whole family felt it? Felt like he was a cartoon character with singing bird flying around his head just after being hit with a really big mallet?
He returned for the final game scoring a goal and an assist, but he hasn’t been the same ever since.
This season he’s been like Trent Hunter and Trevor Lewis rolled into one. Despite having Carter on his wing, he’s had a career low 9 goals and a decent 30 assists.
The always feisty Richards doesn’t have one fighting major this season and barely a roughing penalty.
Come to think of it, Jarret Stoll hasn’t been the same since the Raffi Torres incident.
The Piece hasn’t exactly been missed this season as Willie Mitchell has come back remarkably following a year off. Robyn Regehr has been an admirable replacement even though he looks like one of those things you squeeze and the head and ears get really big.
Having the veteran presence of Rob Scuderi AND Mitchell in the lineup in John Stevens wonderful defensive system certainly helped the Kings to the Cup, but the Kings have a missing piece on the back end. Matt Greene was the old F-150 that you beat the shit out of, and you just didn’t have the heart to sent it to the scrap yard. Muzzin hasn’t quite developed as quickly as they hoped, often making bone headed mistakes that often remind us of how much we loved and worshipped the play of Jaroslav Modry. Alec Martinez has stepped it up, except for tonight where he thought he was Jack Johnson and missed everything.
Say what you want about the lazy one, but his pylon-like presence on the ice could not be ignored. Tyler Toffoli is doing his best to keep up with the grind of the NHL, but in the past 16 games, he’s been worn out like a street hooker. With 9 goals and 8 assists in his first 22 games, Toffoli has just potted just 3 goals and 3 assists in 28 games. Right now, he’s simply just too small to play this game on a daily basis. He’s quickly reminding me of Oscar Moller.
Suddenly, it doesn’t look like we’re so tough to play against.
And I look damn good in my new Slovenian Kopitar Jersey, if I do say so myself.